Here I am going to talk about the matches that will be matches at WrestleMania 30, which is coming up tonight.
The build from this year has actually been all over the shop. I don’t know if we have just gotten too used to long, predictable builds as of late, but I get all uncomfortable over the fact that they haven’t had the card set for weeks. It’s like watching a film you’ve already seen before and you know the main guy doesn’t die but the big spinning razor is getting really close to his balls and you’re still shitting it a bit.
Anyway, I think the majority of the card is pretty much set right now. It’s interesting to note that they’ve basically got 4 top proper big matches and the rest could not be more ‘filler that gets loads of guys on the card’ if they tried. There are two Battle Royale’s, which will basically be ‘Aspergers Entrance Music Discos’. Then there’s a thrown together 6-man and an 8 man tag match which doesn’t involve the best tag team in the company. Ok.
However, the build to the top matches has been fucking brilliant for the most part, so lets take a bloody good look at the matches, how we got here and what will happen in my brilliant wrestling mind;
WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Randy Orton © vs. Batista vs. HHH or Daniel Bryan
Well. They really didn’t want Bryan in the main event. Apparently (and I don’t believe this), he was going to be facing Sheamus while this would be the original one-on-one. But then the debacle that was the Royal Rumble happened and the #yesmovement kicked off. Now, we’re almost certain Bryan walks out of ‘Mania as the champ. I have no doubt there will be shenanigans and Vince or the Shield or someone else will get involved but the night HAS TO end with Daniel Bryan holding both titles aloft with eighty thousand fuckers chanting YES! YES! YES!
Prediction: DANIEL BRYAN will pin RANDY ORTON to become the new WWEWHC
THE STREAK VS. THE BEAST
The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar
The Undertaker has won well loads of matches at Wrestlemania. All of them. He has beaten luminaries like King Kong Bundy and El Gigante and A-Train. Wowzers. This year, his victim is going to be The Beast Incarnate – Barockkkk Lezzznarrrrrr.
Lesnar is one frightening motherfucker. When he gets into a wrestling ring, you think he is going to genuinely hurt someone, which is half the appeal. He is an absolute anomaly, so athletic and big and scary and graceful and everything. He is fucking great. So fucking great. So anyway, every year people go ‘oh ‘taker is too old and past it and he can’t have a great match’ but since like 2007 he’s had the best match on the card. So I expect this to be no different. The build hasn’t been awesome, but as soon as that gong hits and the lights drop, it will be WrestleMania at its very best.
PREDICTED RESULT: The Undertaker with the Tombstone in the middle of the ring. Like Cluedo
John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt
See when I first heard this was going to be their plan going forward, I was a bit like ‘wtf, that’s a big of a step down for Cena and a bit sudden for Wyatt’. Wyatt, however, went out and had amazing matches and did amazing promos and just pretty much decided to be absolutely amazing. He should win here. It looks like faces will win all the other big matches so this should be the big stand out heel win. Cena can get his win back next month but if they want to make a legitimate superstar out of Bray then he has to win here. I’m really looking forward to this.
PRE DICK SHAWN: Bray Wyatt wins.
HHH vs Daniel Bryan
Covered in the first one. Either Bryan will win or there will be a fuck finish leading to a 4-way. I think there will be some sort of shenanigans either way, involving some or all of the Shield, Kane, NAO, Vince, Steph, Shane, The Mean Street Posse, Test’s ghost, David Benoit, The Yeti and none other than, he is the SHOCK MASTER.
PREDICT SHUN: BRYAN via MADNESS
THE 30 HUMAN ANDRE THE GIANT MEMORIAL ROYAL BATTLE
I think this will be better than the normal battle royales where stuff happens until there are 4 guys left then more stuff happens then theres one guy left. I think we will get a few stories converging here, like the start of a CodyDust split, a Real Americans split and some other shit. Anyway, Dolph Ziggler will win it unless Hogan does. And Hogan Knows Best.
PrEdICtIoN: Dolph Ziggler wins the trophy.
6 MAN TAG TEAM MATCH
The Shield vs The Big Red Outlaws
A lot of people are moaning about this match and saying it’s a step down for the shield and all that sort of nonsense, but for me it’s the alternative to them breaking up, so I’m happy to settle. It’ll be a well deserved swansong for Kane and the Outlaws, who have done plenty for the business over the years – most recently helping put the Usos and Bryan over – and a nice showcase for the Shield. Nothing amazing but inoffensive and should be fun.
OH U DIDN’T KNO?: Shield win emphatically
LOTS OF WOMEN MATCH
AJ Lee vs. Every other woman on the roster.
I don’t know what’s happening here. I just know all the women are going to be in a match and AJ is the champion just now. It’s just a way of getting everyone on the card much like the other Battle Royale. If you need a pee or a poo during the event this is the best time to do it. I will also accept leaving the room for some food, more alcohol or a crafty fag. It shouldn’t last long and some of the women are nice to look at and have nice bums (see AJ lee and Layla)
PREDICTION: Another semi.
TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP FATAL-FOUR-WAY
The Usos © vs. RyBaxel vs. Los Matadores vs. The Real Americans
I wrote this thing about Wresltemania 20 the other week and how it was mental how they tried to get so many people on the show and it was just a total clusterfuck. Cue this show squeezing no less than 67 people onto 8 matches. Wat. Anyway I have no idea why Matadores or RyBaxel are in this but it gives them something to do I guess. The Real Americans are great and this should be a breakout for Cesaro, and obviously the Usos (Rikishi’s sons for anyone interested) are good value. They should’ve stuck this on a ladder match but hey ho. Uso’s will retain. This will probably be on the pre-show.
PREDICTION: Usos win
There will also be shenanigans including HOGAN, AUSTIN, FLAIR, PIPER, MR. T and pretty much every relevant wrestler over the last 30 years who isn’t dead, in jail, in TNA or dead. While the card may seem underwhelming to the casual, believe me, it will be fantastic. For the non-initiated, the show ending with 80 THOUSAND people chanting YES in unison will get you tuning in for a few more weeks at least.
If you’re putting a line on with WILLYHILL, the odds will be shit, but heres my accy.
5-team ACCY. You MIGHT get something close to evens for this. Maybe. Worth a tenner anyway. Woo. Wrestling.