The Way We Was: WCW Uncensored 1996

uncensored-logo

Jamie Lithgow

Regular readers will know that Jamie has been following events in WWE and WCW from 20 years ago in his The Way We Was series. In a good news/bad news situation, this past weekend marked the 20th anniversary of WCW Uncensored 1996. The good news is that this infamous event from WCW’s wacky pre-nWo era provided plenty of material for you good people to look at, laugh at and ridicule. The bad news is that Jamie had to spend three hours watching it…

Konnan (c) def. Eddie Guerrero to retain the US Title

Konnan hits Eddie with a low blow, apparently

Konnan hits Eddie with a low blow, apparently

This match wasn’t too bad, in fact it was pretty good. Don’t get used to me saying that too often in this article. Konnan – who I largely know as the casually dressed guy from the nWo – showed off an impressive array of mat wrestling while the quicker Eddie Guerrero raised pulses with his more eye catching offense. For two fairly new, low-card babyfaces this was a good outing. What let the match down was the ending. Eddie went for a leapfrog and landed his balls square in Konnan’s face, allowing the US Champ to pick up the win off this ‘low blow’. That’s what the commentators tried to insinuate, but that’s not what I saw. It looked like a botch if I’m honest, but I could be wrong…

Backstage, The Giant was spotted sending some emails and Colonel Parker said that he was going to show Madusa “what a man is all about” in his man vs. woman match. What would wrestling be without a healthy dose of sexism?!

The Belfast Bruiser def. Steven Regal by DQ

If you want to see pasty looking Brits slap the shit out of each other – and you can’t be bothered flying to Magaluf – then this is the match for you. Ever since debuting in WCW The Bruiser has had an issue with Regal, and nobody is quite sure why. Whatever the reason for this feud the result was a stiff as hell brawl peppered with some solid mat wrestling. The Belfast Bruiser, who commentators started referring to as Fit Finlay, picked up the DQ win after Bobby Eaton and Dave Taylor ran in to help Regal, who by that point had well and truly busted his nose. The only other note I took from this match was the late great Dusty Rhodes struggling to pronounce the name of Regal’s manager. He’s called Jeeves, but Dusty went for “Chives” instead.

Backstage Mean – or should I say ‘Brave’ – Gene took the piss out of Loch Ness’ teeth, while the giant of a man was standing right next to him. Better you than me Gene…

Colonel Robert Parker def. Madusa

Say what you want about this match – and it was shit – but WCW promised a man vs. woman match and they delivered. There were no swerves, excuses or mystery opponents, just sub-par wrestling from a man and his disgruntled former mistress. Madusa bossed most of the match, even performing a Plancha to the outside of the ring. Ultimately, and disappointingly, Parker stole the win after Dick Slater interfered. Colonel Rob used a fairly inappropriate pinning technique too. Part of me hopes this feud is over, but the other part hopes Madusa gets her revenge at some point.

Backstage, The Road Warriors said that they were going to remove Sting and Booker T’s spinal cords in their Chicago Street Fight later. Steady on lads…

The Booty Man def. Diamond Dallas Page

DDP doing a great job of looking shit

DDP doing a great job of looking shit

This was a good old fashioned ‘retire or get your shit back’ match. I shall explain…

The Diamond Doll left heel DDP in favour of nice guy Johnny B. Badd. Johnny then won a match which saw the $6 million Page won in Vegas given to The Diamond Doll – some of the money was rightfully hers anyway. A skint Page was then given the lifeline of a match where he could win everything, including his girl, back. On the flip side, should he lose DDP would have to quit WCW. Where does The Booty Man fit in? Well Johnny B. Badd has quietly disappeared – hmmm, I wonder where he has gone?! – so The Booty Man has replaced him as The Diamond Doll’s new fella. She is now going by the name ‘The Booty Babe’. Up to speed? Let’s get to the match –

It was crap. The Booty Man won so now DDP has to quit. Bobby Heenan summed up my feelings with this statement; “this match has gone on long enough as far as The Booty Man is concerned”. The match lasted five more minutes…

The Giant def. Loch Ness

Loch Ness GiantWCW’s two biggest men collide. If The Giant wins he gets a WCW Title shot against Ric Flair on tomorrow’s Nitro. If Loch Ness wins…… erm, nobody bothered to think about that possibility. This was terrible, but barely lasted three minutes so I can’t complain too much. I love that Loch Ness was announced as being from Scotland, despite speaking in a thick Manchester accent in his earlier promo.

Sting & Booker T def. The Road Warriors in a ‘Chicago Street Fight’

Where do I start with this one?! For starters this ‘Chicago Street Fight’ took place in Mississippi. Secondly, this was a Chicago themed match because The Road Warriors main issue was with Lex Luger, and all these guys are supposedly from Chi-Town. For those that don’t know, at this time Luger – a heel – was tagging with his buddy Sting – a babyface – and were the WCW Tag Team Champions. Thus the original match was supposed to be The Road Warriors vs. Sting and Luger for the titles. However – and I can’t explain the real or kayfabe reasons here – Luger was inserted into the Doomsday Cage Match main event in place of Loch Ness, who you will have noticed was then booked opposite The Giant. Rather than think of a different match – because without Luger none of this makes sense – the geniuses at WCW inserted Booker T because Harlem Heat have also been sniffing around the Tag Titles. So, if The Road Warriors win they get a title shot and if Sting and Booker win Harlem Heat get the title shot. Capiche?

As for the match, it stunk! It lasted half an hour and consisted of nothing but brawling and weak weapons shots. After lasting what seemed like an age you would think WCW would at least have given fans a clean finish, right? Nope. Sting and Booker’s regular tag partners – Luger and Stevie Ray – predictably got involved. They handcuffed Animal to a post somewhere backstage. This allowed Hawk to be isolated with Sting and Booker. For good measure Stevie Ray helped out by nailing the Road Warrior with a chair, allowing Booker to pick up the win. Despite Booker winning the match it was Sting’s music that hit. On the subject of The Stinger, he likely saw none of this cheating. He’s a babyface, remember…

Hulk Hogan & Randy Savage def. Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Meng, Barbarian, Lex Luger, Kevin Sullivan, Ze Gangsta, & The Ultimate Solution in a ‘Doomsday Cage Match’

Main event time, and ho-lee-shit! I’ve included plenty of pictures for this one, because my words cannot do justice to what I witnessed. Firstly, no Brian Pillman or Chris Benoit. It was alluded to on Nitro that both would be in the match, but there wasn’t even a mention of the absent Horsemen. Now, let’s try to explain the rules…

We were told this would essentially be a gauntlet match, with Hogan and Savage facing the eight other guys sequentially. With three cages stacked on top of each other, the action started in the top cage and was supposed to filter down through the other cages until a final showdown in the ring at the ground level. I’m only assuming this was supposed to be the case, because the rules were never fully explained and what we got was something entirely different. For starters, Ze Gansta – that’s Zeus – and The Ultimate Solution did not enter the arena at the start of the match with the rest of their team. The bout wasn’t really a gauntlet match either, because Hogan and Savage did not eliminate bad guys as they worked their way down the cage levels. Speaking of which, and in keeping with most cage matches, the giant steal structure failed to contain the action. Before ending in the ring under all the cages, the match spilled out to the main ring and ringside area. So essentially this was an eight on two handicap match fought in and around an unusual looking cage, but was it any good?

In a word; no. The match was as big a mess as its premise. Because Hogan and Savage did not eliminate bad guys as they progressed, the three cages were made redundant. The Mega Powers started against Flair and Anderson, who were also present at the conclusion. Also present at the conclusion was The Booty Man, who handed out frying pans as an equaliser for Hogan and Savage. Thankfully the punch/kick/frying pan-fest was ended just shy of the half hour – yes, it lasted that long – when Lex Luger “accidentally” decked Flair. One assumes Luger was wearing a loaded glove or holding something hard; his right hand isn’t that good. Anyhoo, The Mega Powers picked up the scraps to win and Nitro is set up nicely with a World Title match and a ‘did he mean it’ question mark placed over Luger’s head.

So that was Uncensored. Usually I would recommend events likes this, because they are so bad that they end up being fun to watch – see Halloween Havoc 1995. The problem is that while Uncensored is just as comically bad, the main event – and most matches in general – last far too long. I may be biased, but don’t watch this show. Stick to reading reviews online, looking at the still pictures or even listening to a podcast. I lost three hours of my life to Uncensored 1996, please do not follow in my footsteps.

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5 thoughts on “The Way We Was: WCW Uncensored 1996

  1. That main event was a total clusterfuck. It was bizarre to watch in what was happening. And the fact that cocaine was used in the match where Hogan and Savage threw cocaine and later snorted it for Coke-a-Mania Brother! And of course, who can forget that botch Lex Luger did with the glove and hit Flair with that punch. Was that supposed to be an accident or something? That was WCW booking at its finest. Well, at least I would watch that than today’s bullshit that WWE is creating.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the kilo of coke that Hogan and Savage produced from nowhere. I was just happy Woman’s shoe did not come into play… again.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. On Main Event (WCW’s version of WWE’s Mountain Dew Kickstart pre-show), the following matches occurred:

    1.Mr. JL defeated Dean Malenko by pinfall in a First Round match for the WCW Cruiserweight Championship

    2. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan defeated Big Bubba Rogers by pinfall with the Three Point Stance

    3.”Dirty” Dick Slater (with Col. Robert Parker) defeated Alex Wright by pinfall

    4.The Nasty Boys wrestled the Steiner Brothers to a no contest when the Road Warriors interfered and attack both teams

    Like

  3. Konnan certainly did not hit Eddie with a low blow.As the clip at the top of the page showed, it was a simple mistake on Eddie’s part. DDP looked like something the cat drug in. The Chicago street fight, with all that star power, sucked a lemon.The Doomsday cage match certainly had its potential, but all it ended up doing was just make WCW look that much more second class to WWF. And how do you NOT have the Nasty Boys, the Steiners, or Dean Malenko on the main card?! They were in pre-show matches? Unbelieveable. It was a big fat mess, cost me three hours that I would never get back, and I felt robbed, both as a fan and a pay-per-view customer, just like I felt after that fiasco they called Wrestlemania 9. What a clusterfuck, as ninvoid99 has previously said.

    Like

  4. Pingback: The Way We Was: Wrestlemania XII | Ring the Damn Bell

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