John Carbery, Russ Morgan, Jamie Lithgow, Brian Damage and Amerigo Diehl
You can’t overstate the importance of a wrestler’s theme song nowadays. That’s not, however, to say that they are all hits. In fact, many are the, well, shits. It is those themes that are the focus of this week’s Top Five.
5. Randy Orton, Voices: This song is as bland as Orton is.
4. Main Event Mafia Theme: Seriously, what the hell was this supposed to be? It’s like an elevator musak riff on the Godfather theme by ICP with vocals from The Borg from Star Trek. Utter garbage.
3. Emmalution: This song actually makes me feel uncomfortable. It’s like something you’d hear at a crap house party just when your hangover kicks in because you’ve been up all night.
2. Bella Twins/Nikki Bella theme: “You can look but you can’t touch”, sometimes I’d wish I wasn’t able to hear too when this dreck would limp out of a speaker system. Almost as grating as the twins themselves.
1. “Say it to my face”, Alex Riley: Take the guitar riff from Crazy Train, play it on a keyboard that was tuned by throwing it down a flight of stairs and then just grunt for three minutes about how someone should say stuff to your face. Terrible.
5. Roman Reigns: The Truth Reigns: Not sure if it is just because I’m not bothered by Roman, but when his music hits I generally reach for the remote.
4. Bella Twins: You Can Look: This theme is horrible on the ears. It’s been the same and bland ever since she has had it.
3. Neville – Break Orbit: Generic and weak. The riff doesn’t go anywhere and is repetitive.
2. Hype Bros – Stay Hype: When the talking starts, it’s hard on the ears. Yet another generic piece of garbage. Bad song for a bad team.
1. Big Show – Crank It Up: Where to begin. The lyrics make absolutely no sense to me. The music doesn’t reach any sort of crescendo. How has this been a theme for over 10 years?
5. American Males: “American Males, American Males, American Males…” If you listen to the New Generation Project Podcast then this theme is somewhat of a cult classic. I think everyone will agree that it’s a terrible song, but is it so bad that it’s actually good? It certainly helped to make sure fans knew who Scotty Riggs and Marcus Alexander Bagwell were, if nothing else.
4. Christian (Just Close Your Eyes): Christian is one of my all-time favourite wrestlers, but he sure has had a mixed bag of theme songs. From his awesome Brood theme to his lesser-heard singles theme when he tagged with Edge, which was just an Edge rip-off track. His operatic theme after he turned heel on his kayfabe brother was good, but didn’t really fit his character. His ‘Just Close Your Eyes’ theme sounds like a song used by a wrestler, rather than a bespoke wrestler theme. I really liked it when he was in his cowardly heel phase as Captain Charisma, but when he became a fist-pumping, veteran babyface it was just awkward and extremely uncool.
3. Yoshi Tatsu (WWE Theme): He was a glorified jobber in WWE, and his theme did not help matters. It’s hard to describe, but the closest thing I could associate it with would be a children’s video game or cartoon.
2. Diamond Dallas Page (WWE theme): Much like DDP’s run in WWE, his theme was a big dull dud. It started with his catchphrase – which was the style at the time – which did help to pop the crowd – at least that first time they heard it. However, what followed was just a generic, boring and not very loud guitar riff. Along with Booker T, DDP was the top name that came along with WCW when Vince bought the company, but nothing about his presentation suggested that. His fake Nirvana theme in WCW was awesome, hell, even WWE’s even faker Nirvana theme they dub on the Network is better than the garbage he was given during his run in the company.
1. Corporate Ministry: This theme was symptomatic of the gimmick it represented. Take two good stables with two good themes, combine them, and what do you get? Double the goodness? Nope, just something that doesn’t really represent anyone involved. This theme sounds like The Ministry and Corporation themes playing over each other, which is basically what The Corporate Ministry was. Maybe it does represent the stable after all then…
5. Battle Kat: Nothing really wrong with Battle Kat’s entrance theme…that is of course if you enjoy 1980’s porno music. That is exactly what the Battle Kat’s theme music sounded like…minus the moans and groans. Then again, this was Battle Kat wrestling so you never know…
4. The Orient Express: Leave it to Vince McMahon to make sure fans knew that these were Asian wrestlers by using a very generic and stereotypical theme music to introduce Sato and Tanaka managed by Mr. Fuji.
3. Goldberg’s Crush Em: Not many fans remember this theme because after a couple of weeks it was quickly scrapped. Nothing against Megadeth who performed the song…but it was horrible and didn’t fit Goldberg’s personality or mystique in any way. Thankfully WCW realized their mistake and went back to his traditional theme music that actually got fans pumped up.
2. TL Hopper: If the sound of a toilet flushing on an endless loop is your idea of a great theme song…then TL Hopper’s theme shouldn’t be on this list at all. For the rest of us…the song belongs right where that flushing toilet leads to.
1. X-Factor: Does anybody remember this absolutely putrid theme song performed by Uncle Kracker for the faction that consisted of X-Pac, Justin Credible and Albert. A bad theme for a bad faction, I suppose.
Honorable mention: Isaac yankem. No one needs a dental drill sound….ever!
5. X-factor: What in the world was this? Uncle cracker with new lyrics.
4. Macho Man Randy Savage: Probably take some heat for this one, but am I at WrestleMania or my sister’s graduation. Never understood this one.
3. Kurt Angle: The very beginning of his theme sounds more like the intro to the news circa 1968. It did, however, spawn the “you suck” chant.
2. Orient Express or Yokozuna: Insert any Asian wrestlers in here and just use this music. Way to go Vince.
1. The Big Show: Great theme if it’s written by a 4-year-old. Well… it’s the big show, it’s a big bad show tonight, it’s a show and it’s big, it’s the big show… if the show was big this would be it. Um not very scary for a giant.
You can read all previous Top Five pieces here.